Emotional eating is well and truly triggered

A long time ago I had some counselling for my overeating. It was cognitive behavioural therapy and for part of it we were asked to identify our triggers that would cause us to binge. After a couple of weeks of diary writing I identified that my main triggers were tiredness and stress. I don't really eat when I'm happy or sad.

Today I'm feeling both tired and stressed. I didn't sleep much last night as my boyfriend leaves to return to the States tonight. I won't see him until we both go to Vegas in April for a vacation. It's going to be really tough. All day I've been holding back tears. Consequently I've been daydreaming about what I'm going to eat tonight.

I started out the day with good intentions by planning an evening of essay writing for my master's (just got my essay plan back with some good comments so I was motivated to do some work!), but now I just want to go home, eat a lot, talk to my boyfriend and go to bed.

I think today was always bound to be a bad one. Tomorrow he and I can both get on with things, and not worry too much about our time apart. We'll be able to get through it I'm sure.

On a lighter note...

I'd been debating getting another fill so close before my trip home for Christmas. Well I decided to go and see my doctor. Appointment for a fill is booked for Monday. Just a little fill. Hopefully I will finally get to my sweet spot.

Here is a photo of the boy and I (and our friend) a couple of weeks ago.

Good news....

I've broken the plateau, and have lost 2 kilos since Monday (it's now Thursday).

I read a book last week by Dr. Duc Vuong called Ultimate Lap Band Success and it really focussed me. I think when I found out that I wouldn't be seeing my doctor for a while, I felt that I could cheat and I felt that I couldn't be successful on my own. Since reading this book, I've realised that I need to take it back to basics and follow the rules. I'd been eating a lot of slider foods and a lot of junk, and that was why I wasn't losing anything. I also wasn't exercising. So since Monday I've been following the rules religiously. It's all about protein! Yogurt and fruit for breakfast, fish for lunch, chicken for dinner. I've been eating around 100-140 grams of meat for lunch and dinner, and I think that's a little more than what's recommended but my restriction isn't 100% and I'm getting hungry after about 3 hours (should be 4 or 5 with good restriction). Total calories for the last few days have been around 1000 per day. I've also been walking to and from work (4 kilometers each way) and have been tracking my walks using an app on my phone called runkeeper. I love it! I've also been recording all my food and exercise using fatsecret (online and on my phone).

I have some challenges coming up this weekend. This will be the second to last weekend my boyfriend is in Korea so I am going up to visit him tomorrow night, there will be a party all day Saturday and then we will be heading out with friends in Seoul on Saturday night. When I visit him I tend to eat junk because he's in the military so he has access to lots of foods which are impossible to find off post (my addiction to cheetos is not helped), so I feel I MUST eat them because I don't know when I'll have another opportunity to (which is ridiculous thinking). There will also be alcohol involved this weekend. So I've made him promise that we will be sensible this weekend (he doesn't really eat much). Eggs for breakfast on Saturday, chicken on the grill on Saturday afternoon, and I'm just going to drink vodka and water on Saturday night. Hopefully I'll be able to contunue the weight loss if I stick to that!

I've just realised that today is 5 months since my surgery. So in that time I've lost 21 kilos and have gone from a UK size 22 to a 14. Not bad going. Even when I was being naughty I didn't gain anything, which I'm really pleased about.

This plateau has also taught me that I need to do something about my thinking towards food. For as long as I can remember I have had problems with food. Binge eating and bulimia were massive problems when I was growing up and in my early 20s. I feel now that I've overcome these issues, but still on occassion want to comfort eat. I also have that 'f**k it' mentality of when I've eaten something I shouldn't have, I continue to go crazy with the food. This can last for weeks (as witnessed over the last month). I really want some counselling regarding these issues. I have a feeling that my insurance company will cover the cost of counselling so I'm going to look into that this week.

Challenges, challenges....

I'm around half way with my weight loss and I've stalled.

I'm kind of worried as the average person with a lapband will lose around 50% of their excess weight. Maybe it's psychological, maybe I'm afraid of being thin. All I know is I really want to wear beautiful clothes and feel like I have a normal figure. So for the last month, I haven't gained anything, but I haven't really lost anything either. A plateau. Stalled. I'm worried as I read posts from people on lapband talk about how they've regained their weight by eating around the band. I'm definitely not eating like I used to (that would be physically impossible), but I'm also not following the band rules as I should.

So what if I stay this weight forever? Would I be happy? I'm not sure. I feel sexy and confident, but my body is still soft, I have bumps and lumps in the wrong places and I still long for womanly curves. I'd say that I need to lose another 40lbs and then I'll be where I want to be.

I really would like to have a fill (right now I'm 10.3 in an 11cc band) but as my doctor won't be around for a while I'm on my own. I'm getting more hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings I'm definitely eating more than I should. How do I deal with this? Well I've been trying to walk as much as I can, but I definitely need to start a more vigorous workout. There is a bootcamp class that I want to start, but money is really tight right now as I'm going home for three weeks in December and I've just booked a vacation to the Phillippines in March.

The boy situation is also stressing me out. I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. He says he broke up with me because he realised he was in love and he was scared of being in a serious relationship. Now he tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day. He's also said that he wants to marry me. But, he's leaving Korea in less than a month. I will go out to America to visit him in April and I will spend the summer with him too. I love him but with all the changes I've been going through I'm not sure where my head will be in 6 months. I don't know whether I want to sacrifice everything in my life to move to the States. We will see.

So back to my original point. Life is challenging. So is having this band. It's not the easy option and requires constant work. To that end, I will be going back to the UK for Christmas in 6 weeks. I really would love to lose another 15lbs between now and then.

So from Monday I will go back on liquids for 5 days and then switch to a low carb, high protein diet. That seems to work best for me and my band in terms of restriction and hunger (no slider foods). I will also exercise everyday.

Getting back into blogging....

Apologies for the four month absense. Since I was banded in June I have lost a total of 20kilos or 44lbs. However I've been plateauing for the last month.

My doctor DK has shut up shop for a while until he opens his new hospital at the end of the month. I really need a fill!

My restriction is annoying me. I'm tight in the morning, by lunchtime the restriction is gone and by the evening it's like the band has dissapeared!

I've posted some before and progress so far pictures below

And at the 4 month mark....

Excuse the t-shirt, it was a bad-taste t-shirt theme night. I have more before and after photos to post. The thing I notice from the before photos is how sick I look, now I have loads more energy and I feel much fitter. I'm trying to exercise everyday and I'm feeling really confident.

Day four

So today was my first day back at work. I slept most of the weekend and found it very difficult to stand up or sit down. Today finally the pain is going however I've developed a slight infection in my main incision. I called my surgeon but he is overseas at a conference so I had to go to my local doctor. I hate that guy! He charged me $60 to check what bacterial infection I had. Totally unnecessary.

Anyway, after that I spent more money on a pedicure to make myself feel better.

So far I've managed to have half a smoothie and some watery oatmeal in addition to water and milk. I've lost about 7 1/2lbs since Friday although I'm assuming most of that is water weight. But I'll take that!

Day 2 post op

So I'm home now. Still very very sore and finding it difficult to get up and down. Was discharged from the hospital the day after my surgery. I was well looked after and had a good experience while I was there. So far have just had water, half a smoothie and a few sips of milk. Not hungry at all. Yesterday I slept for 18 hours and still feel pretty out of it. Will write more tomorrow when I'm feeling more awake!

T minus 1 day

Tomorrow is D day.

I'm scared, really scared. Usually I take pride in my nails (fat girls generally have good hair, nails, shoes and purses) but I've bitten them all off. I can't focus at work and have spent the last two days reading blogs about people who have been through the surgery.

I feel like I have a really big exam this afternoon and I haven't studied. Those kind of nerves.

Am I making the right decision? Yes 100%.

Maybe I'm scared because it might not work, in which case I've wasted loads of money and am stuck with this thing inside me. Or maybe I'm scared about all the hard work I'm going to have to put in over the coming months. I know I'm scared about the pain, and not having my mum around to help me and be there for me.

I talked to her last night (she lives in the homeland). She said she'd been praying lots for me (which seems to be working as I picked up some extra work in the evenings which will more than cover the $1000 a month payments for my surgery), but she really didn't want to discuss the surgery and sounded different to how she usually sounds. I know she's worried about me doing this in a foreign country. Hopefully when she sees that it's working then she'll come round.

I printed off some inspiration photos to pin on my bedroom wall. These were taken at my lowest weight around 3 1/2 years ago (thank you lighterlife) of around 10 1/2 stone (147lbs). Also added to the inspiration wall is a dress I want to buy for the Winter Ball. It's grossly expensive but I figure I will be saving money on food and socialising and can put what I save aside for the dress.



















Going out with some people from work for my last meal tonight. Scary. Can't eat after midnight.

Will try and take lots of before photos and photos at the hospital.

Wish me luck!

T minus 2 days

Today is Wednesday. I get banded on Friday.

Two days to say goodbye to a lifestyle I love (and hate). Actually I made the decision to have a lapband fitted about three weeks ago. Since then I've been saying goodbye to the food and alcohol that has led me to get to this weight. Highlights include:

A six course meal at a British Association black tie ball (I'm an expat living in an East Asian country). The food was amazing, however the two day anxiety about what to wear was not.

Steak, creamed spinach and garlic mashed potatoes followed by chocolate and peanut butter pudding, which cost (my boss) in excess of $400.

A five piece bucket of KFC (I will miss you KFC).

A whole large Papa John's pizza.

A Bigmac followed an hour later by another large homemade burger after a friend (P the pilot) showed up at my office to take me out for lunch unexpectedly.

Those are the highlights and the lowlights of my 3 week binge. I'm pretty sure I've gained about 5lbs since my last consultation with my surgeon.


So why am I putting myself through surgery and through a lifetime of not being able to eat 'normally'?

I guess like most people my size (around 210lbs, 15 stone, 95 kilos) my weight has yo-yo'd up to this point. I was a chubby kid (not massive, just a little plump) and years and years and years (I'm 27) of dieting and failing to diet have led me here.

I've been slim on two occasions. Once when I was 17, when I was practically living off half an orange a day (which then developed into 4 years of binge eating and bulimia). And then when I was 24 after completing 4 months on the lighterlife diet. For those that haven't heard about the lighterlife diet, it's basically starvation consisting of four milkshakes a day and around 500 calories. The weight dropped off, but when I started eating again I couldn't control it and regained everything I had lost. Since then my weight has increased and decreased by about 20lbs and I start a new diet every two months or so. Despite being "thin" twice, I never reached a normal BMI. Each time I got to about 27 or 28 BMI.

I have been considering surgery for about a year now, and have consistently done research into the different types. I think what really made the decision for me was reading someone's blog about being banded in the country I reside in. She recommended a good doctor and she had great results. It was also affordable. Also 4 weeks ago it started to get hot here. I hate the summer in this country. It's hot and very humid. I basically look like a hot sweaty mess for 4 months of the year. Summer clothes don't look good and it's just generally uncomfortable most of the time. So something snapped and I couldn't take it anymore. I booked the surgery.

My roommate, J, thinks I'm crazy. She's supportive but says she couldn't live with the food restriction. I hear what she's saying, and it's going to be pretty miserable having to limit what I eat because I love food. Mum really was not supportive, it's not the surgery she's against, it's the cost and the fact that I'm in a foreign country. She wants me to come home and have it done on the NHS!

Anyway my first post is getting far too long and boring. I will leave you with a list of pros and cons for the surgery which I wrote while making my decision.

Cons:
Cost
Not being able to eat normally
Won't be able to blame my weight for anything (e.g. I can't do that because I'm fat, he doesn't want to date me because I'm fat)
Pain
Having to make excuses about why I'm not eating much

Pros:
I get to have a normal BMI for the first time in my life.
I will feel sexy and confident
I will feel good in the summer because I will be able to wear shorts and tank tops!
I will be able to wear high heels without wanting to chop off my feet
I WILL BE ABLE TO BUY CLOTHES IN TOPSHOP! (Something I have only ever done once)
My face will look cute and not chubby and I might get complimented on something other than my eyes
I won't have to settle for inappropriate men just because I think I have to take what I can get
I might meet my future husband and have babies
I get to go to my university reunion in six months time feeling confident and successful
I will get to wear a slinky black dress to the next British Association Ball in December
I will be able to run without feeling like my fat is wobbling everywhere and worrying about an imminent heart attack

I think that sums it up.

Below is a picture from the British Association Ball three weeks ago.